


Be My Escape

by merceralexs



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School AU, Humor, M/M, Multi, Underage Drinking, all just out here to have a good time, carrie and alex are dancers, enemies to fake dating to actual lovers?, human!jatp, i don't know anything about tagging, luke and julie and reggie are music based, they're all just a bunch of idiot teenagers who i love with my whole soul, willie and flynn play soccer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28844973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merceralexs/pseuds/merceralexs
Summary: Alex would be lying if he said he doesn’t think about Willie.Willie, who occupies every single one of his thoughts. Alex thinks too much about his light brown eyes with gold flecks or the one side of his mouth that curls when he’s trying to focus (they have fourth period together, sue him if it’s what he looks forward to) or the way his hair flows easily down his back, even though Alex likes it best when it’s in a messy pile on top of his head, pieces falling messily to frame his features. His strong jawline, high cheekbones, infectious smile.But Alex hates Willie and Willie hates Alex ─ at least that what Alex tells himself to get by.-Or the friends to enemies to lovers au no one asked for.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Flynn/Carrie Wilson, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 39
Kudos: 190





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this has been such a long time coming and i'm finally excited to share the first chapter. getting back into the swing of writing is probably one of the hardest things i've done recently, but i'm so glad i did. this idea sparked from the hgc (shout out to the babes) and honestly i can't remember how we got started but my brain wanted all of my favorite tropes combined into one. (enemies to lovers/fake dating) i hope i do it justice. i hope you stay with me on this journey. enjoy! 
> 
> the biggest shout out to my betas [liv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexjulies/pseuds/alexjulies/works) & [allison](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisonattheorpheum/pseuds/allisonattheorpheum/works) & mick for being so amazing and helping me keep the characters true and the dynamics well intended. for listening to me ramble and complain and be insecure. i love u guys so much you make my heart scream. 
> 
> and to [emma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeshanlon) , my true ride or die who has literally been there for me every step of the way. helping me editing, bouncing off ideas, and keeping me sane even if it's until 3 am. thank u, i love u. you mean to the world to me.

It’s early morning when Alex’s alarm goes off. He rolls over and hits snooze on his phone, pulling his pillow over his head. He wishes he could go back to sleep and never wake up, but unfortunately, that’s not how life works. His head is still throbbing and his eyes are tired from a night of crying.

He begrudgingly tosses his feet over the side of the bed and sits up, scrubbing his hand over his face in a feeble attempt to wake himself up. Taking a breath, he stands and shuffles across the room to turn on his light, the fluorescents flooding his vision.

“Hey Lex?” he hears with a small knock on the door. His brother, Jamie, pushes the door open. “Hey,” he says softly, leaning against his door frame. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but you know I’m here if you need to.” Alex nods.

“Thanks, J.”

Jamie nods and presses his palms together, fidgeting with his fingers. “Dad’s awake, just so you know.” Alex closes his eyes and takes a breath. “He’s leaving soon though, and Mom’s already gone so…”

Alex looks down, picking at the skin around his fingers. “This is really how it’s gonna be, huh?” he asks, not looking up. “I mean, she can’t even lo—” he pushes down a sob, “she can’t even look at me.”

Jamie steps inside and pulls Alex in by the shoulder, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Alex buries his face against his shoulder and takes yet another deep breath to keep from crying. “You’re gonna get through this.”

Unsurprisingly, school isn’t much better. He almost falls asleep in his first two classes and only manages to stay awake in the third one because Carrie is by his side. They’re lab partners in science for the week and they’re learning about the chemical properties of matter. Carrie usually takes the time to focus, occasionally doodling, but today her attention has been on him.

_His throat feels dry and his hands are clammy as they all sit together at the dining room table. It shouldn’t be such a formality, he thinks. They’re your parents, they love you and they’ll love you through this._

_“So what is it you have to tell us, sweetie?”_

_The calm before the storm._

“Hey,” she nudges his shoulder. He lifts his head from its place on his arms and gives her a small smile.

“Hey,” he yawns. “Sorry, I did not sleep well.” He takes a deep breath and reaches out a hand to put on top of hers, “Thanks for letting me call you last night.”

“Of course.”

“You should’ve seen the way they looked at me, it was like—”

“Mr. Mercer?” their teacher asks. Alex turns his head and gives her a weak smile. “Something you want to share?”

“No, Mrs. Kelly.”

She gives him a curt nod and Carrie looks apologetically at him before he shrugs and flips to a blank page in his notebook.

Coach Hess takes it easy on him during dance practice that afternoon and Alex knows Carrie probably had something to do with it. His body is exhausted and his mind even moreso. He just wants to sleep. Instead, he sits in the bleachers on the bottom row and watches the rest of his team block the number, wishing he had the mental capacity to participate.

“Hey Mercer!” he hears. He closes his eyes and tries to push down his annoyance. Okay, _maybe_ their long-winded game of who hates who more had been going on too long, but today of all days, Alex didn’t have it in him to end that. He was a mess of emotions and Willie wasn’t doing him any favors. When he opens his eyes, Willie’s arms are up on the fence and he has a wicked smirk on his lips.

“What do you want, Willie?”

“ _Oh_ ,” he laughs, “the hostility.”

Alex groans low in his throat. “Do you exist just to piss me off? Aren’t you supposed to be practicing anyway, Mr. MVP?” Alex fakes a smile, hoping to have struck a chord. Willie smirks. “What?”

“I came over for the ball.”

“The what?” Alex arches an eyebrow. Willie’s eyes flick down and it’s then that Alex realizes his soccer ball is by his feet. He rolls his eyes and kicks it down the stairs, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “There you go.”

“What’s got you wired so tight?”

_“You’re not thinking clearly, Alex, you don’t mean that.”_

“Can we not do this?” he pleads, looking up from his phone. He feels himself letting his guard down, and the last person he wants to do that with is Willie. “Please just....go pretend you’re good at something.”

Willie narrows his eyes and bends down to pick up the ball. “You’re such an ass.”

Alex gives a tight lipped smile in return, watching Willie turn on his heel and jog back onto the field. He glances back at Carrie who he knows had been watching, and then turns to see his boyfriend, Shiloh Miller, had been lingering on the conversation as well.

He diverts his attention back to his phone when he sees the shadow approaching, the familiar white Chuck Taylor’s coming into view. “Wow he really gets under your skin, eh?” Luke asks.

“Yeah,” Alex mutters. Luke glances out to the field and Alex can see how he squints, the sunlight almost blinding. “I was supposed to be practicing but uh…”

“Hey! I just talked to Flynn and she said she can give us a ride tonight, so we’re all set!” Julie says, coming up and wrapping an arm around Luke’s waist. Alex finally looks over at them and smiles. Their height difference alone makes it impossible to not think they’re cute; they’re a perfect match. Julie steps away from him to sit beside Alex, giving him a smile. He knows she knows. “Are you excited for tonight?”

“I’m sure it’ll be something,” he chuckles. There’s a look in her eyes that tells him he can talk to her, and he loves that about Julie. Their unspoken connection. Alex doesn’t believe in soulmates but, if he did, Julie comes pretty close. “Thank God for the Miller anniversary trip. The whole weekend is ours for the taking...”

Luke raises his eyebrows. “Oh! The weekend, so does that mean you and Shiloh are finally—”

“Stop,” Alex tells him, putting his hands up. “No. Just a weekend free of his parents breathing down his neck and obviously the party.”

“And we are forever grateful,” Luke winks. Alex laughs in response. “It’s not like anything _bad_ happens at those parties anyway. Just a bunch of us getting together and celebrating the first weekend back in Hell.” He smiles brightly, putting his hand on Julie’s shoulder. She reaches up and weaves her fingers between his.

Alex looks out onto the field and sees Flynn jog over to Carrie, giving her a kiss. He chews on his bottom lip and absently plays with the ring that’s hanging on the chain around his neck.

“You don’t go anywhere without that thing, huh?”

Alex looks down and then back up at Luke and shrugs. “It’s his class ring. It’s important to him, so it’s important to me.”

He looks back out to the field and briefly wonders when the last time he and Shiloh had a _genuine_ moment like that. No friends, no pressures to be perfect, just the two of them _being_ together.

“They’re disgusting, aren’t they?” Luke says, crinkling his nose.

“You say that as if you and Jules aren’t the same way.”

Julie blushes and Luke reaches out to hold her hand. “Okay, okay. We’re all in really cute relationships, guys.”

“Yeah, but you’re the cutest!” Luke exclaims.

“Hey Lex!” Shiloh’s voice effectively pulls his attention from the conversation as he sees his boyfriend jog up. He stands up and moves to the fence, leaning forward to give him a kiss. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah, just one sec,” he says, turning back to Luke and Julie. He steps forward and wraps Julie in his arms, his chin resting on the top of her head and he locks eyes with Luke, silently thanking him. Luke nods and gives him a small smile. “I’ll see you guys tonight.”

Julie leans up to kiss his cheek. “Sounds good.”

When his attention is finally back to Shiloh, he’s grabbing the hand that’s outstretched for him. He makes his way down the last steps of the bleachers, using his free hand to text Carrie a goodbye, and then gets pulled in for a kiss. “You’re all sweaty,” he grimaces.

“You literally kissed me two minutes ago.”

Alex scrunches his nose, “Yeah, but still.” Shiloh laughs and kisses him again before draping his arm over his shoulder. Alex twines their fingers together and smiles.

“What was Willie talking to you about?” he questions, as they walk off the field. Alex hums in response. “I saw him stop to talk to you when he had to grab the ball.”

“Oh that? Nothing. Just Willie being Willie.” Shiloh nods, but Alex can tell he’s not convinced. “Seriously, Shi.”

“What’s the deal between you two, anyway?” he asks, now opening his car door for Alex. He climbs in, throwing his bag in the back seat and waits for Shiloh to get in. “I know you guys have been on the outs after everything that went down between your dad and his mom or whatever, but don’t you think it’s gotten a little exhausting? I mean, you guys used to be friends.” _Seriously?_

Alex looks at him, shaking his head. So maybe Alex stretched the truth a bit when he said it was between their parents. It was really just between Alex and Willie and that’s how it was going to stay. Willie and him— no use bringing anyone else into that. Behind Shiloh, he sees Willie across the lot getting into his car with Reggie and Nick. “We were, and now we’re not. That’s it,” he says, offhandedly.

Shiloh gives a disapproving look but starts the car, dropping the conversation. “So how has your day been?” he asks, after the silence becomes too much for him. Alex lifts his head from leaning against the window.

“Um, fine,” he says after a long pause. “I didn’t really sleep all that well. And the fact that I had to sit through a practice today and not doing anything really got to me.” Shiloh reaches out for his hand and Alex dances his fingertips against his palm, fitting his fingers in the spaces between Shiloh’s.

“You’re too hard on yourself, Lex,” Shiloh tells him, turning out of the parking lot. Alex sees Luke open his Jeep door for Julie and smiles. “I think this party will be good, for both of us.” Alex takes a breath, resting his head back against the window and feels Shiloh’s hand leave his. He rubs his shoulder in smooth circles. “You okay, babe?”

Alex hesitates for a moment, then sits up, “Actually I was kind of hoping to talk about last night, my parents and I—” his voice cut off by the sound of Shiloh’s phone ringing through his speakers. The caller ID on the screen shows that it’s Flynn and Alex puffs out a breath.

“Ah, one sec. I’m sorry,” he apologies, before hitting accept. “Hey Flynn, what’s up? You’re on speaker, Alex is here, too!”

“Hey Alex!”

“Hey Flynn,” Alex says, trying to muster enthusiasm. He vaguely hears them begin to talk about party preparations before he rests his head back against the window, closing his eyes. _Maybe next time._

When they get to Shiloh’s house, Shiloh jogs upstairs with Alex trailing behind. They drop their bags off in Shiloh’s bedroom, and Shiloh moves to tug Alex towards the bathroom.

“I don’t need to shower,” he laughs. Shiloh playfully rolls his eyes, tugging him closer with his hands on his hips.

“You don’t _need_ to but…”

The sound of his phone goes off, stopping Shiloh’s wandering lips. Alex smiles half-heartedly, pulling his phone from his pocket and answering the call.

“Sorry,” he whispers, to which Shiloh just shakes his head, laughs, and grabs a towel before heading to the bathroom.

“Saved by the bell… literally,” Alex huffs, sitting down on his bed. He lays back against the pillows and kicks his shoes off, tossing his hat to the side. He bends one arm behind his head while the other holds his phone to his ear. “Thank you.”

“Oh, was I interrupting something?” Carrie asks, and Alex can hear the playfulness in her voice. He rolls his eyes and chuckles.

“Barely. He wanted to shower together and I just— anyway, what’s up?”

He played with the class ring that’s on his chain. He pulls it away from his body, looking at the soccer ball engraving on one side and the Dartmouth logo on the opposite. Shiloh’s dad’s Alma Mater.

_“I-I’m thinking clearly, Mom.”_

_“You’re not—you just—”_

_“Mom,” Jamie said. Alex rubbed his palms against his sweats, trying to will himself not to cry. Just as he felt his leg start to bounce, Jamie grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently. “You know what he said.”_

“Alex, are you still there?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, yes I’m here,” he says, closing his eyes. “Sorry, I just got distracted.”

“Are you going to be okay tonight?”

“ _What?_ Yes, yes I’ll be fine, Care. You seriously don’t have to worry. I’m just ready for this day to be over.”

“But Alex—”

“But nothing,” he says, sitting up. “But nothing. You’re going to come over tonight and we’re going to have fun and we’re not going to think about the team or about whatever has been going on this week. We are going to hang out and dance our asses off and have a good time because that’s what parties are for, right?”

Carrie sighs. “Have you at least tried to tell him?”

“Why are you so pressed about this, anyway?” he bites. He squeezes his eyes shut, inhaling long and then letting out a slow breath. “I’m sorry, Carrie. I just— this isn’t something that’s exactly easy. I mean we talked about what it would be like....me coming out to my parents. I always thought that he was going to be there, but of course he didn’t answer, so then I just did it by myself. I thought it would soften the blow and it did _not_ do that...I thought that once I told them everything was going to be okay but—” he catches himself about to cry, the tears welling in his eyes. He clears his throat.

“It wasn’t. And I’m not saying you have to tell him now, but he should know, when you’re ready. You’re in a relationship with him, Lex. You know I love you and I will always be there to support you, but maybe Shi can help you in a way I can’t.”

“By having accepting parents who love you unconditionally no matter what?” He gets up from the bed and walks to Shiloh’s dresser. Picking up the picture of Shiloh and him, he traces his finger around the frame.

“I know we can’t relate on that level, Lex. But he’ll be there for you.”

Alex scoffs, “Where has that ever gotten me?”

“Okay, where is this coming from?”

Alex puts the frame down and sits on the bed. “I have been hiding this relationship from my parents for almost two years. I don’t know how I did it so long but having told them just feels… like a weight lifted off my chest. Is that crazy of me, to be relieved that I told them even though they almost kicked me out?”

“No, I think it makes sense. You can finally get to be yourself.” Alex nods, even though he knows she can’t see him. “You know your parents knew… they were just too afraid to say it out loud. They created the idea in their head that Shiloh was your _really good friend_ to make themselves feel better because they knew. And when you said it out loud it solidified whatever fear or deep rooted issues _they_ have. Their reaction is not a reflection of you, Lex. You have always been you and you have always been so loved. And by Shiloh, even if maybe it doesn’t feel like it.”

Alex isn’t convinced.

“I know…” he bites his bottom lip, “Look, I know I should _know_ that he loves me, but he sometimes has a crappy way of showing it. Yes, he’s been patient with me, but something’s always felt _off_. You know I saw you and Flynn on the field today and thought ‘Wow, when was the last time Shiloh and I had a moment like that?’ When our friends aren’t around, we’re not trying to impress anyone. Just me and him. I don’t know, maybe I’m reading too much into it…. I mean this summer was supposed to be all about us, and it just feels like we’ve been drifting. I know he’s always focused on like school and soccer and the team in general and stuff but—”

“Alex, honey, I think you’re spiraling. Shiloh _does_ love you, you have to trust that.”

“I think he knew in the car today. He asked me and when I went to tell him _your_ girlfriend called.”

“Hey! It’s not like I have any control over that,” she laughs. “I think they were just going over some last minute things for tonight, anyway. Them navigating as co-captains is a lot harder than any of us thought it would be. They tend to lock horns, but I’m glad they’re finding common ground.”

“Why are they locking horns so much?”

“You’re getting off topic, Alex.” He sighs. “Don’t you trust him?”

“Of course I do!” he says, too quickly. His voice gets softer. “O-of course I trust him.” He hears the sounds of the shower turn off. “He’ll be out in a minute so I should go.” Carrie tells him she’ll see him later and he ends the call.

Shiloh’s wearing a pair of dark wash skinny jeans and a blue Bobcats t-shirt that stretches across the expanse of his chest. “Hi.”

“Have I ever told you how lucky I am?” he asks, brushing his lips against his. Alex smiles before giving into the kiss he knows Shiloh desperately wants.

“You should say it more often,” Alex laughs, allowing Shiloh to lead him back to the bed. He sits down and pulls Alex into his lap. Shiloh nods thoughtfully, shifting to lay down with him. They’re facing each other, legs tangled. Shiloh brushes the hair away from Alex’s face. He gently squeezes Alex’s hip and gives him another kiss.

“So you were trying to tell me something earlier?” he raises an eyebrow. “I feel like I keep getting pulled away.”

“You?” Alex exasperates, “No, never.” Shiloh sticks his tongue out and rolls his eyes.

“It sounded important, Lex.”

Alex swallows the lump in his throat. “Wow, uh, this is harder than I thought it was going to be.”

“It’s just you and me. You can trust me.”

He hesitates for a moment. “Of course,” he says, giving him a kiss. “Yeah, of course I can.”

Shiloh’s never really given Alex any reason not to trust him, but he wouldn’t grant him the Boyfriend of the Year award, either. Truth be told, their relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but it worked. _They_ worked...right?. Maybe it was because they’d been friends for so long, maybe it was because Alex only allowed Shiloh to see certain parts of himself. There were parts of himself that even Luke didn’t know. He had a hard time trusting himself and that tended to be reflected in his relationship.

“Earth to Alex?”

“Yeah? Right, right. Um, I don’t know I just got into it with my parents last night.”

Shiloh gently rubs Alex’s shoulder. “Did you tell them about applying to UCLA?”

“No, actually—”

There’s a _ping_ from Shiloh’s phone. He fishes it from his bedside table as Alex chews on his bottom lip.

“Who’s that?”

“Oh, it’s just Jason. The guys are downstairs. Said if we don’t come down in five they’re coming up,” he chuckles, locking his phone and putting it back on the table. “So I guess we better make it quick.” He leans forward to capture Alex’s lips, pressing his body against him.

“Haha,” Alex murmurs, pushing him away. “You’re _so_ funny.” _Ping._

Shiloh swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up. “Oh! So what did they say?” he asks, grabbing his hand and pulling him up. Alex raises an eyebrow. “Your parents, last night?” Alex smooths over his shirt and lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Shiloh looks at him expectantly.

“I just, I told my parents last night about… me.” Shiloh’s eyebrows knit together. “About us?”

“ _Oh,”_ he says, like he finally understands. He rubs Alex’s biceps and gives a small squeeze. “Babe, that’s great.” Alex opens his mouth to speak, and then closes it, suddenly feeling sick. “Perfect reason to celebrate!” _Have you listened to anything I’ve said, ever?_

“N-no, Shi, they—”

“We can talk about it later, yeah?” He cups his hands in his face and gives him a kiss. “I’m so proud of you.” The sentiment is there. He pulls Alex in and hugs him, kissing the top of his head. “I love you.”

Alex hums in response, his nails digging into the skin of his palms. _This is why I didn’t want to tell you._

The party is in full swing later that night, Alex having tucked himself in a quieter corner of the house. In one hand, he's got a red solo cup filled with something Luke mixed him, and his phone in the other. He wants so desperately to enjoy himself. This party always set the tone for the year, so he knew it was important; And he was lucky to be surrounded by his friends and boyfriend. He was content.

 _“Was it something I did? Did—”_ _  
_

_“Jesus fucking Christ, Mom. Will you just listen to Alex? Not everything is about you.”_

“Alex?” Carrie taps him on the shoulder, interrupting his thoughts. He turns to her and raises an eyebrow. “I see you decided against the comfort of your denim tonight.” He rolls his eyes. “Kind of secluded yourself, you okay?” she asks, putting her hand on his arm. He’s reminded of where he is, crowded sweaty bodies all around him, his best friend dangerously close.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. My mind is just kind of elsewhere.”

Carrie rocks back on her heels then leans against the wall, drumming her manicured nails against the tumbler she’s holding. “Did you tell him?” she asks. The music is pounding in his ears as he nods, or maybe that’s his heartbeat. “Okay, what did he say?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he curtly responds, swallowing the last of his drink. She eyes him cautiously but doesn’t say much. “Besides, where’s Flynn, shouldn’t you be with her?”

“My girlfriend is not the subject of our conversation, dear Alexander.”

“Then remind me, what is?” Carrie rolls her eyes, knowing that he’s deflecting, while Alex smirks. “Hey! You busted your ass today and I’ve had a really long day. We’re at a party! Can’t we just be at a party?” he asks, grabbing her hands and smiling. She laughs and shakes her head.

She lets go of his hand, reaching up to touch his cheek. “I’m not saying you have to tell me what happened or anything, but I’m here.” Alex takes a deep breath and nods “I love you, Lex.”

“I love you, too.”

“Okay, okay.” She squeezes his shoulder. He grabs her Tervis and takes a long drink. “Alex! You’re gonna finish it all,” she whines.

“That’s the point, though!”

“Whatever. I’m gonna go find Flynn. You gonna be okay?” He nods. “Text me if you need me.” Carrie leans on her toes and kisses his cheek, then disappears into the crowd.

From his peripheral he sees two people approach. He locks his phone and slips it in his pocket, looking up to see Reggie and Willie. Reggie launches himself at Alex, nearly knocking the two of them against the wall.

“I’m only happy to see _one_ of you,” he says, pointedly looking to Willie over Reggie’s shoulder. Willie rolls his eyes, hands stuffed into his pocket.

“Reggie’s the one who wanted to say hi.”

“I love you, man,” Reggie sighs against his neck. Alex laughs, wrapping his arms loosely around Reggie. “ _And_ Willie’s here! You saw Willie, right?” he exclaims, pulling back and grinning.

“Oh we saw each other,” Alex murmurs. Reggie’s smile is infectious, and even though Willie’s general presence boils his blood, he’s more than happy to push that aside for Reggie.

That is, until he opens his mouth again. “You’re all alone over here. Where’s your boyfriend?”

Alex tilts his head back and groans loudly. He looks back to Reggie who’s pouting. _He doesn’t want us to argue_ , Alex thinks. But he’s having a really shitty day. He absentmindedly plays with the ring on his necklace.

“At least I have one to find. Where’s _your_ boyfriend again?” Willie’s demeanor shifts. “Oh, right. He doesn’t exist,” Alex smiles, tight lipped.

“Actually—“

“No fighting!” Reggie chirps, finally stepping back from Alex. “I love you,” he points to Alex and hiccups, “and _you_ ,” he points to Willie. “So I’m gonna need for you two to stop arguing okay? Okay!” He smiles and grabs them both around the shoulders, hugging them to his sides.

“Jesus, how much has he had to drink?” Alex asks.

“Enough. I’m gonna take him and go find Nick and Ari,” Willie says, wrapping an arm around Reggie’s waist and allowing him to lean against him. Alex chuckles and shakes his head. _Oh, Reggie_ . Willie’s shoulder length brown hair flows down his back as he turns away, shouting, “See you around, _Lex_!”

“Only my friends can call me that!” Alex yells. He watches Willie wave him off and rolls his eyes. “Jackass.”

“Why so sad?” Shiloh hums, catching Alex’s attention. Alex smiles as Shiloh slides his fingers in his belt loops before pulling him in for a kiss. Alex starts feeling the alcohol go to his head, pulling Shiloh in by the front of his shirt.

“Oh I see you’ve opted for rum. Bold choice,” Alex smirks. “How much have _you_ had to drink?

Shiloh squints, holding up his fingers in an OK sign, laughing, “Only like this much.” Alex rolls his eyes. “What about you?”

“Enough.”

Shiloh cups his face and gives him a kiss, “How’s my favorite guy?” Alex can’t help the swell in his chest. Maybe he _does_ love him. Alex runs a finger over his strong jawline, threading his fingers in his hair and pulling his mouth back down to his.

“I’m good,” he tells him when they pull apart. His arms lazily hang around his hips. “A little neglected though. I feel like I haven’t seen you all night,” he pouts.

“Wanna go upstairs?”

Alex just scoffs and pushes his face away, a blush creeping up his neck. “You have guests to entertain.”

“Hey, didn’t you just say you were feeling neglected? Let me _not_ neglect you,” Shiloh pulls him in, murmuring against his hair. Alex laughs awkwardly. “Jason’s got control of the party,” he chuckles against his ear. Alex pushes down whatever resentment he feels and pulls Shiloh along, weaving through the crowd of people.

“Second door on the right,” Shiloh says.

Alex laughs, “I’m well aware which one is yours Shi.”

“You’re cute when you’re bashful,” he coos, causing Alex to flush a deep red. Shiloh kisses the shell of his ear. “I love you.”

Alex smiles over his shoulder before pushing his door open and pulling him inside. He shuts the door behind them and gives Shiloh a chaste kiss.

“Hey I just wanna tell you,” Shiloh slurs, backing him up against the door and putting his hands on his hips. “Mm so proud of you for telling your parents.” He leans forward to give Alex a kiss. Alex is reminded of why he was frustrated in the first place. Then Shiloh kisses his neck. He holds his breath, wanting to enjoy the moment, but finding it hard.

“Come here,” Alex says, haphazardly grabbing Shiloh’s hands and stumbling back to the bed, pushing Shiloh down and allowing Shiloh to pull his shirt off. He wills himself to feel something, _anything_ , but it keeps failing.

“Are you still feeling neglec—“ _hiccup_ , “neglected?” Alex smiles. Because he can’t help it if his boyfriend is cute and he can’t help it if they’re both a little drunk at a party.. All of him wants to forget everything that’s happened. Rewind his entire bad day and start over, rethink ever coming out to his parents. “S’what’s on your mind?”

Alex thinks about bringing it up again and then shakes his head, second guessing himself. “You,” he says. “Only you,” he repeats, kissing him harder. He rests his hand against Shiloh’s cheek, pressing his weight against him. Shiloh knits his fingers in Alex’s hair and pulls him closer, Alex straddling his waist.

Alex can see the bliss in Shiloh’s eyes when he asks, “What’s gotten into you?” He leans up and captures his lips again. “I mean whatever it is—” Alex swallows that thought with his mouth. If Shiloh finishes that statement, Alex knows he might snap. He feels Shiloh’s hands in the back pockets of his jeans and his chest starts to tighten.

“How’s the team?” he murmurs against his lips.

“What?” Shiloh laughs, breaking the kiss. “You’re on top of me right now looking gorgeous and you’re asking me about the team?” Alex shrugs. “They’re good,” he nods, sitting up and wrapping his arms around the small of Alex’s back.

Alex fumbles to pull Shiloh’s shirt off, a slight tremble in his hands. Shiloh smiles and helps him, discarding the piece of fabric and then cupping his face, giving him a quick kiss. Alex presses his hands against his shoulders and pushes him back into the pillows. _Focus. He’s your boyfriend. You trust him. You want this._

“Your rings are cold,” Shiloh hums when Alex’s hands slip to his neck. Shiloh peppers kisses down his neck, causing Alex to giggle again. He moves back to brush his lips over Alex’s. He leans back from the kiss and smiles, locking his blue eyes with Alex’s. _Talk to him, Alex. He’s got a lot on his plate, maybe he just forgot._ It sounds so stupid in his head, because he knows the real answer: Shiloh doesn’t care.

“Lex?” Shiloh asks, pulling him from his thoughts. Alex leans into the hand that’s pressed against his cheek. How can he be upset when he looks so ethereal? Beautiful eyes, mussed hair and crooked grin. “I love you.” He wants so desperately to believe him.

Alex nods, reconnecting their lips. Alex feels his heart racing under Shiloh’s palms.

“Love you,” Shiloh says again, squeezing his side before reaching to grab the chain around Alex’s neck, using that to pull him back in for a kiss. “Love you so much,” he says against his mouth, gently biting his bottom lip. Alex feels the bubble of apprehension in his throat, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling back. Shiloh gingerly cups his face, holding his gaze. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I-” Alex stutters, a way of nausea hitting him, “I just… I’m not....” he pauses, looking between the two of them. “I’m not ready for _that_ ,” he finishes, his voice quiet. Shiloh nods and closes his eyes. “Are you mad? I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad,” he says, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and planting his feet on the ground. He scrubs his hands over his face as Alex sits up. _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_ , he screams at himself. “It’s just,” he clears his throat. “You started this so I mean, I’m just trying to to figure you out.”

Alex furrows his brows. “What is that supposed to mean? I’m allowed to change my mind.”

“Right, of course,” Shiloh responds and Alex knows it should be sincere, but it sounds like venom on his tongue. “You’re just _always_ changing your mind, you know? So forgive me if I’m annoyed.” Shiloh stands and begins to pace the floor, Alex opening and closing his mouth, unsure of what to say. “I mean you tell me you’re feeling neglected. I fixed that. I ask you what’s on your mind and you tell me nothing. You kiss me like _that_ and I think everything’s good, but your eyes say something completely different.”

“I’m sorry, I tell you nothing?” Alex asks, standing up from the bed. “Last I checked, I told you _exactly_ what was on my mind and you thought the team was more important.” Alex doesn’t yell, but his tone is cold.

“I didn’t _dismiss_ you for the team.”

_“You’re completely dismissing his feelings, Mom! And it’s not like you’re any better, Dad. You’re just sitting there, saying nothing.”_

_“J, it’s fine I_ — _”_

_“No, Lex, I’m not going to let them treat you like this.”_

Alex sighs, clenching and unclenching his fists. “Look, you’re drunk and I’m drunk so maybe—“

“If anything you’re more drunk than I am,” he quips. Alex rolls his eyes as Shiloh takes a deep breath and sits back down on the bed. “Okay, maybe I’ve been absent lately, but we’ve _both_ been busy. I mean this summer was supposed to be for us and it totally fell to the wayside.”

“That is _not_ my fault.”

“I know, I know, we both had our shit. But with prepping for the school year, the party, and with Flynn being co-captain now… it’s just a lot. There’s a lot going on, okay? Stuff you don’t even know about.” _I’m sure_.

Alex tries to push away the blinding red he’s seeing. He takes a few deep breaths, feeling his anxiety creeping up his neck. “ _Trust me_ , I know..”

“I thought you were having a good time. I mean you brought me up here.”

“Because I thought that’s what you wanted! I mean, you’ve clearly been feeling some type of way all day and all I wanted to do was forget about the last twenty four hours. I get it, you have your stuff Shi and I have _always_ tried to be patient about that, because I know you’ve been patient with me. But I told you some pretty big news and you just pushed it away. You _know_ I hate making things about me! But I’ve been trying to tell you all day, _all fucking day_ about what happened with my parents and when I do you congratulate me?”

Shiloh shakes his head, blinking a few times. He stands up and moves towards Alex, who steps backwards when he reaches for his hands. “What, so I shouldn’t be proud of you? That _is_ great news, Lex. We talked about it, you know? W-we talked about how you thought when you finally said it out loud they would understand. Is that not—”

“No that’s not what happened!” Alex exclaims, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I tried to tell you what _happened_ and you were too busy focused on the team. I’m thankful they didn’t kick me out! And that’s only because Jamie spent all night fighting for me!” _Don’t cry._ “You know, the one thing, the _one_ thing I wanted to do was call my boyfriend and talk to him and guess who couldn’t do that? Because you were off doing whatever with Jason and Casey.”

Shiloh takes a deep breath. “You could’ve called. I would’ve picked up.”

Alex takes a step forward, fidgeting. “You don’t _get_ it, Shiloh. This isn’t the first time. I always come second to everything in your life. Soccer, school, the team. And maybe that’s on me? I know you’ve been crazy patient with me for our relationship, but you didn’t even give me an opportunity to actually tell you what happened last night. It’s like I’m an afterthought and I have to beg for your attention and then when I do finally get it, it’s like you’re not even there. ”

“Then what was today about, after school? Or last weekend that we spent together? I mean what about—”

“Today after school when you were thinking about sex and I was trying to talk to you? Or when I tried to tell you what actually happened and you cut the conversation short? The weekend you planned for us at the cabin and then turned around and let Casey invite everyone over? You told me,” he continues with exasperated air quotes, “it wasn’t a big deal, babe. They’ll only be here a couple hours, babe.” So please, _please_ forgive me if your reaction to me coming out to my parents wasn’t the greatest. They almost kicked me out, Shi, do you get that? And you brushed it off—” Alex sucks in a breath, a few tears rolling down his cheeks, “you brushed it off like it was nothing.”

Shiloh is quiet.

Alex moves around the room, grabbing his discarded shirt and pulling it over his head, smoothing a hand over his hair before pulling his hat back on. “You only care about me when it’s convenient to you.”

The silence is deafening.

“So you’re not even going to tell me I’m wrong?”

He can see Shiloh swallow hard, thinking carefully about what he says next. “Maybe you’re right. We— uh— maybe this relationship has just been convenient for us? It’s been easy. But it’s not to go without saying that on top of everything I have going on, working around whatever you’ve had going on so that you could keep this from your family didn’t alleviate any of those problems. It actually,” he clears his throat, scratching the back of his head, “it was actually really fucking stressful, Lex.”

_Alex is laying in bed, his earbuds in, trying to drown out the sound of Jamie and his Mom fighting._

_“Don’t you think he’s already under a lot of fucking stress? You guys are hard enough on him as it is. For fuck’s sake, Mom you’re supposed to love him through it all, right? He’s your son. He’s no different than he was an hour ago.”_

_“It’s just not right, Jamie.”_

_“I’m sorry. I wish I could fix this,” Alex tells himself. “How can I fix this?”_

Alex feels small as drums his fingers on his thigh. “You’re right. And I’m sorry I put you through that but if you were unhappy, if you didn’t like it, you could’ve just talked to me. We stopped being honest with each other a long time ago and that’s what screwed our relationship.” Alex takes a deep breath and sits beside him. “Asking you to jump through hoops so my parents wouldn’t find out was so much to ask of you. But you could’ve told me.”

Shiloh puts his head in his hands. “I know.”

“What happened to us?”

“Maybe we’re just too different, now.”

Alex closes his eyes, a few tears falling on his cheek. “I can’t keep doing this, Shi. I can’t keep coming second to everything in your life.”

“If that’s how you feel.”

Alex doesn’t have the energy in him to fight anymore. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, getting up and going for the door.

“Alex, wait,” Shiloh says, standing up and walking towards him. His eyes flick down to his necklace as he slips his hands into his own pockets. Alex feels his breath catch. “It’s just…”

“No, no, it’s fine,” he says softly, taking the necklace off and putting it in Shiloh’s outstretched hand. He turns back to the door and wipes at his cheeks.

“Does it count for anything if I say I love you?” he asks and Alex pauses, pressing his fingertips to the heels of his hands.

“I love you, too.” He actually means it.

There’s a ringing in his ears when he finally makes it out of the room and down the hall. His chest feels tight and his throat is dry, but he refuses to break down right now. _Not here, not in front of all these people_.

He makes his way down the stairs with bated breath, searching across the sea of people. _Literally just ten more feet Alex, you’ve got this_ , he tries to assure himself. He shifts through the sweaty bodies and drunk party goers, seeing the top of Julie’s head in plain view. He would recognize those curls anywhere.

“Jules,” he says, when he puts his hand on her shoulder. He’s ashamed at how broken his voice sounds and he can feel the tears welling in his eyes. She turns to him and frowns, tilting her head to the side before taking his hand and leading him outside to the deck.

It’s colder outside, the temperature having dropped, but there’s plenty of people on the deck and on the lawn. She guides him down the steps and at this point his body is in auto-pilot, following Julie along and hoping his legs don’t cave out from under him.

_“We just think that he's making a mistake! We know this is wrong!”_

_“What the fuck do you even mean we? Dad hasn’t said a damn thing since he told you guys and you have the audacity to—”_

_“Jamie,” she warns him. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for this family and for my son. And him being…_ **_that_ ** _just isn’t right.”_

_“You truly are set in your backwards ways, huh?”_

_“Jamie, don’t talk to your mother like that.”_

“Alex?” Julie says softly, pulling him out of his spiral. They’re outside on the old swing set Shiloh’s parents never took down.

Alex swallows the lump in his throat, his hands shaking. He flinches away from her touch before she tries again, cupping her small hands around his. “I’m right here,” she says. He nods, letting her know that he hears her. She vaguely gestures to deep breaths and forces him to take one with her, and then another, and a third.

“Thank you,” he lets out a shaky breath. “I know you were about to—”

“No, hey, you can come to me anytime, you know that,” she tells him, tracing patterns on the inside of his wrist.

They’re silent for a long time, Alex losing himself in the feeling of Julie’s thumb on his wrist. It’s always been comforting and Julie found that out early in their friendship. Said she used to get panic attacks when her mom was in the hospital and that’s something that her dad always did to help her out.

“I’m not going to cry,” he tells her, nodding his head. “I don’t need to cry, so I’m not going to cry.”

“It’s okay if you do,” she tells him, meeting his eyes. “You’ve had a long day.” He licks his bottom lip. “And if you don’t cry, that’s okay too. But, we both know you Alex. You tend to bottle things up until you can’t anymore and I just want you to know that you have a safe space with me, okay?”

Alex sits up a little straighter and gives her a small smile. “I’ll be okay. I think we should go back up and play some beer pong.” She arches her eyebrow and he sighs. “I’ll be fine, really. Shiloh and I just don’t work, didn’t work. I think we were kidding ourselves trying to hold onto a relationship that—”

“So you guys actually broke up?”

“Well we’re definitely not together anymore, yeah,” he scoffs. He meets Julie’s eyes. “I’m sorry. It just wasn’t meant to be you know, and that’s fine.” he tells her. She looks unconvinced. “Julie, I’m sorry if I worried you, but it’ll be fine. It’s _fine_ ,” he tries to assure her. She still isn’t buying it, but allows him to process his emotions however he sees fit.

Before she has an opportunity to press any further, he’s standing up and going back in the house. She quickly hops up to follow him, his long legs getting him places much quicker than her.

Alex looks out to the sea of people and makes his way back into the kitchen, grabbing another White Claw from the fridge. “Alex!” Julie yells over the music.

“Can’t hear you!” he exclaims, popping open the tab and taking a long swig. Julie clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath. _Don’t freak out_. He walks back over to her and grabs one of her hands.

She yanks him into a corner of the kitchen, hoping to get through to him. “I just had to talk you out of a panic attack and I get that you might not want to talk about it. But, you’re just going to party away your problems? You _know_ that’s not smart.”

He takes another drink, nodding thoughtfully. “I don’t want to be smart tonight. I want to have fun.” He watches her apprehension as she shifts weight from one foot to the other and then nods.

“Clearly there’s no getting through to you right now. I’m gonna let you do whatever this,” she gestures wildly with her hands, “is, but please, _please_ be responsible at least.” He nods, rapidly tapping his fingers against his jeans. He sees Shiloh from across the kitchen talking to Jason animatedly. They lock eyes and he can physically see Shiloh’s jaw tighten. Alex chews on the inside of his lip.

“Alex! Haven’t seen you all night!” Luke exclaims, clapping him on the shoulder. “Jules, Lex, we need two more players, you guys in?” Luke looks to Julie with his signature puppy eyes and perfect smile.  
  
“Fine,” Julie laughs, grabbing Alex’s hand again. He finishes the Claw that he had and tosses it in the sink, following Luke and Julie out of the kitchen.

“Oh my god, Reg! You’re playing!” he laughs, walking over to Reggie, shaking out his hands.

“Lex! You’re still here! I saw you and then I didn’t see you and I know Willie was there at some point. But then he made me drink water and I’m kind of fine now, but we’re about to play some pong and I’m gonna kick some major butt. Luke and I are on a team! So that means you’re playing with Jules right? That would make sense,” he rambles.

Alex jerks his head side to side, trying to follow Reggie’s words. He chuckles and then squishes his face, giving him a smile. “Yeah, we’re gonna play.”

Reggie pumps his fist into the air and then goes to set up the cups. Alex glances up and sees Willie leaning against the fireplace, scrolling on his phone. He rounds the table and nudges his shoulder, feeling brave. “Are you here to keep an eye on our boy?”

Willie waves him off. “Leave me alone, Alex.”

Alex presses into his side. “What’s got you all _grumpy_.”

Willie slips his phone into his pocket and looks at him with a look to kill. Alex feels small under his gaze. “First, you took a dig at me at practice today when I was just trying to get the ball back. Then you called me out on not having a boyfriend, which if you paid any attention, you would know that I do,” Alex feels a pang in his chest, “And lastly, you’re the one who started everything by being an ass. So sorry, if I don’t want to entertain whatever this is.”

Alex opens and closes his mouth. “I—”

He stumbles backwards before he feels Luke’s hand on the small of his back, keeping him steady. _Minor lapse in judgement, but nothing you can’t handle_.

“You good?” Luke asks, guiding him to his side of the table. “I told Jules you’d play with me and she’d play with Reg.”

“But you suck,” Alex whines. Luke scoffs, poking Alex on the chest. “Luke!”

“Alex!” he mocks, tugging his arm and pulling him to his side.

“I know you and Julie are keeping an eye on me. I know she told you,” Alex says in his ear. The music is still pretty loud and right now isn’t the time to be having such casual conversation, but he wants them so desperately to believe he’s okay, or at least he would be.

Luke leans back and searches his eyes, Alex giving him a polite nod, hoping it would convey everything he couldn’t form in words. Luke nods and they turn back to the table.

“Alright, all’s fair in love and war!” Luke exclaims, grabbing his ball.

“Same rules apply?” Julie asks.

“Always, Molina.” The crowd around them _Ooh’_ s and Julie rolls her eyes, folding her arms over her chest.

“Let’s not forget who wins every time,” she smirks. To which the crowd _Ahh’_ s _._ Luke shakes his head and holds his hands up.

“Alright, alright. Loser buys breakfast tomorrow?”

“You’re on.”

“If y’all weren’t so cute I’d probably throw up right now,” Reggie laughs. “Game on!”

Three rounds in and Luke is starting to feel it. Julie really _was_ good at this game and Reggie too, regardless of his intoxication level. He kept sinking ball after ball and Alex didn’t know if he should thank him or curse at him.

“I told you, you suck,” Alex pouts, to which Luke smacks him on the back of the head. “Dude!”

“Slipped,” Luke mumbles, leaning on his toes and going for an overhead shot. Surprisingly, he makes it. “Ha!”

“One shot!” Alex exclaims, bumping into him. “You made one shot this entire game!”

“Hey,” Luke says, pressing a finger against Alex’s chest. Alex sizes him up.

“What?”

Luke just chuckles, turning back to the table. Alex watches Julie carefully as she tips back her drink, Reggie rubbing her shoulders. “Mm gonna have to pay for breakfast aren’t I?” Luke whines.

Alex taps his cheek. “Yeah buddy, looks like it.”

Once their game of beer pong has ended and Alex, Luke, and Reggie are sufficiently drunk, Julie grabs them and drags them all to the middle of the room to the makeshift dance floor. Alex watches Julie wrap her arms around Luke’s neck, swaying with him and kissing his cheek. He appreciates how in love they are. How grounded Julie keeps Luke. They’re a balancing act of tame and wild, night and day, yin and yang, but they complete each other in a way that Alex envies. It makes his stomach knot.

Alex sways back on his heels and knocks into someone. They grab his elbow, stabling him. He turns toward the person and cocks his head to the side, raising an eyebrow.

“You good there, princess?” Willie smirks.

“I hate it when you call me that,” Alex frowns, crossing his arms. “It’s not nice.”

“I don’t really think you’re qualified to tell me what is and isn’t _nice_.” He grabs one of his hands, untangling his arms and pulls him back towards the fireplace. “You were standing there looking kind of clueless.” Willie grabs his Hydro Flask from the mantle and hands it to Alex.

Alex gasps, “Willie, you should never leave your drink unattended!”

Willie rolls his eyes. “Just drink it. And I pray to God you don’t remember this when you wake up tomorrow.”

“We’re getting along,” Alex grins, taking a few sips.

“Just drink the water, Alex.”

“You called me Alex!”

The party had started dying down, to the point where Alex knows —somewhere in the back of his intoxicated mind — that he shouldn’t stay around much longer, fearful to run into Shiloh again. He doesn’t remember much of how he got from point A to point B, but he knows he has the best friends in the world. Probably more than he deserves.

“Alex!” Carrie groans. “You’re a good foot taller than me and you’re drunk, please redistribute your weight.” Alex has his arms dangling over her shoulders — at one point he thought he might have started a conga line — and Flynn is trailing close behind. “Flynn,” Carrie whines.

“What do you want me to do?” Flynn laughs. “This is my entertainment for the evening.” Carrie shoots daggers and Flynn raises her hands in defense. “Okay, okay,” she says, trying to stifle her laughter. She grabs one of Alex’s arms and drapes it around her shoulders, allowing Carrie to adjust and do the same. “How ya feeling buddy?”

“I feel great!” Alex exclaims, pupils blown. “Never felt better in my life! I saw Shiloh dancing with Anna earlier and that kind of made me sad,” he pouts. “But I promise, I’m so fine.” He runs his fingers through his hair. “I’ll _be_ so fine.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Flynn asks, dragging him over to the couch. Alex shakes his head, leaning forward to cradle his head in his hands. Carrie and Flynn share a look. “What if we get Jules?”

“No,” he says quietly. “She’s with Luke and they’re in love,” he perks up, throwing his arms to the sky before slumming back down on the couch and holding his head, “they’re so in love.”

“They a—”

He half heartedly attempts silencing Flynn with a finger to her mouth but grazes her cheek. “Need to focus,” he murmurs. “The room is spinning.” Carrie giggles and rubs his back in soothing circles. “If I throw up right now I won’t be able to show my face again.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit dramatic, Lex?” Willie asks.

“What are you still _doing_ here?” Alex groans, looking up and squinting his eyes over his shoulder. He winces and tries to suppress his nausea, putting his head back in his hands.

“Alex,” Flynn says softly. He takes a shuddering breath, swallowing hard.

“And to think, we were having a moment.”

Alex gets to his feet, wobbling slightly. He rounds the couch to stand in front of Willie, inhaling through his nose. “We weren’t having a moment,” Alex says, cracking his knuckles against his jeans. Willie arches an eyebrow.

“I get that you’re fragile right now because you and Shiloh—”

“I’m not _fragile_. How do you even know about that? Did he say something?”

“He didn’t have to say anything, dude. It’s pretty obvious you broke up with the way he was all over Anna.” Alex shoves him before he actually has the chance to think about what he’s doing, Willie stumbling back into Reggie and Nick who almost fall over. Alex sees the flash of hurt in Reggie’s eyes as Nick stabilizes him.

“Alex!” Carrie shouts, grabbing his attention. His chest is heaving, face flushed pink. He looks around to the last of the people at the party and swallows again. He feels hot under everyone’s gaze. “Alex, come on,” Carrie ushers, grabbing his arm. He flinches away from her touch and runs his fingers through his hair, biting so hard into his bottom lip he tastes blood.

_“Alex, come on, please look at me. You have to look at me. I’ve got you, through all of this okay? You will always have me. Mom and Dad be damned.”_

He turns on his heel, panic hot on his neck, and slams right into Shiloh. His strong hands steady him, holding him at arm's length. Shiloh takes a deep breath and tilts his head, the disappointment evident in his eyes. Alex’s eyes water, his head spins, and he can feel the bile rise in his throat.

“You okay, Alex?”

Alex pales, leans over his arm, and pukes.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so it's been well over a month and... wow, sorry it's taken so long to get here. but chapter 2 has finally come around to see the light of day. it's a lot. but i promise, i love my son very much.it's way too late to be updating this now but here we are. life is crazy, hope you enjoy the ride. 
> 
> thank you SO much to everyone who left kudos, or comments or checked me out on tumblr and left stuff there. i really appreciate it so much that this story has gotten so much feedback and love even if my posting is inconsistent lmao. but seriously, thank you so much. 
> 
> per usual, thanks to [emma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikeshanlon) because without her i think i would literally go insane. & thanks to liv, lauren, & maggie for being such great cheerleaders during this process. i love u guys sm.

_ There’s a chill that sets in the living room that evening. Alex is on the couch, knees under his chin. He listens as the screams fade into hushed voices and he can’t help the tears that roll down his cheeks. He tries to draw in a breath, but breathing seems to be the hardest thing to do.  _

_ “Alex,” Jamie says softly, pulling him from his thoughts. His hand squeezes Alex’s shoulder.  _

_ “They want me out, don’t they?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper. He extends his legs, plants his feet on the ground. “You can say it.”  _

_ “No… Alex, I don’t think they —”  _

_ “Don’t lie to me.” He draws in a shaky breath.  _

_ Jamie hangs his head. “Yeah… yeah, they’re talking about wanting you out by the end of the weekend.”  _

_ Alex opens his mouth to speak but what comes out is a broken sob. His body shakes as he leans forward and puts his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut. He gasps, trying to catch his breath as Jamie rubs his shoulder.  _

_ “Alex, come on, please look at me. You have to look at me. I’ve got you, through all of this okay? You will always have me. Mom and Dad be damned.” _

He jolts awake, out of breath, a thin line of sweat on his brow. His hands search for something stable, anything to ground him, but he falls short. 

“Alex?” Luke asks, from the doorway. The hall light makes his head pound. Alex rubs his eyes. “Are you okay?” 

Alex shakes his head, looking down, a few tears falling off his nose. Luke makes his way into the room, closing the door,  climbing into bed behind Alex and pulling him against his chest . He rests his chin on top of Alex’s head and Alex closes his eyes again, silent sobs racking his body. 

“Alex, breathe…”

“I-I can’t…”

“Yes you can,” his voice sounds so assured. “You’re with me and you’re safe,” Luke tells him. Alex tries and fails to draw in a shaky breath, the darkness of the room blurring at the corner of his eyes. “Another one.”

“They’re going to kick me out, Luke,” Alex says, a throbbing behind his eyes. He feels his breathing shallow again, but Luke’s rubbing circles on his shoulder, urging him to try again. 

“I’ve got you,” he says softly. He takes a deep breath in, pressing into Alex’s back. “Breathe.” Alex lets out the breath, closing his eyes. 

“The fact that you and Jules—”

“Don’t, Alex,” Luke says, smoothing his fingers over his hair. “We’ll figure this out.” 

Alex drums his fingers on Luke’s chest. His body is firm, heartbeat steady, acting as an anchor for Alex. He feels Luke tense, pressing into his back again. 

“Lex, your nails,” he coughs. Alex flinches, pulling his hand away from him. Luke grabs it and places it back over his heart. “It’s fine. But just be here, yeah?” He hums, rubbing his shoulder. Alex takes another breath, curling into Luke’s side. He smells like fresh linen and sandalwood. 

“Oh God, I remember Willie… a-and I threw up everywhere.”

_ Willie was there _ . 

“Mhm.” 

“And everyone saw?” 

_ And Willie was  _ **_there_ ** _.  _

“Alex,” Luke laughs, but it’s hollow. “If we talk about it, we’re going to end up back at square one and I know your head is pounding.” 

_ Willie was there and things were good, right? But then they weren’t and why the hell did you push him? He probably hates you even more now. So much for that moment. _

“Yeah but —”

“Dude,” Luke warns. “Your nightmare induced a panic attack. Just… take a deep breath. We can talk about this in the morning.” Alex drums his fingers against his chest again, chewing on his bottom lip. “Alex,” Luke whispers, cupping his hand around Alex’s. “Try to sleep.” 

Alex nods. The moon dimly lights the space, projecting Luke’s silhouette on the wall. He takes another breath, tucking his head against Luke’s shoulder. 

“Goodnight.” 

“Night, Lex.” 

Hours later the throbbing has yet to stop. Alex rolls over in bed, the space beside him feeling empty. The light dances across the walls of the bedroom, intensifying the throbbing. He groans and stuffs his face into the crook of his elbow. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” 

“Youweredrinkinghowareyounothungover?”

“Because I paced myself and drank water,” Julie giggles. Alex feels the edge of the bed dip beside him and he gingerly lifts his head, squinting in the morning sun. “If you roll over, there’s aspirin, orange juice and toast.”

“Don’t wanna,” he murmurs. He feels her fingers card through his hair and lets out a sigh. “That feels good.” 

“How ya feeling after last night?”

“Julie…”

“You don’t have to say anything. You drunkenly cried about how embarrassed you were the whole way home.” Alex cradles his head back in his arms and moans. “Oh, we’ve all been there!” 

“Not you!” 

“Yeah, well I’m responsible. I warned you,” she laughs, grabbing his shoulder and ushering him up. He reluctantly sits up and crosses his legs, resting his head in his hands. “No, no. Up,” she says. He lifts his head and takes the orange juice that she’s offering. Alex unscrews the cap and takes a long gulp, pressing his fingers to his temple. 

“You’re not going to go easy on me today, are ya Jules?”

“I’m not going to judge you for what happened last night, Alex. I’m the last one to do that.” Alex meets her eyes and reaches out for her hand, she takes it, gripping tightly. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Jules.” 

He grabs the plate of toast and takes a bite, looking around the room. It’s been so long since he’d been here he almost forgot. The spare bedroom of the Patterson house always feels welcoming, whether it was for a sleepover when they were twelve, when Alex’s parents got a little too suffocating, when Shiloh felt a little too distant in the past several months. It was a safe space — a home away from home. 

“You still in there?” Julie asks, waving a hand in front of his face. He blinks and finishes chewing on his toast, setting the plate down and brushing off his hands. 

“Yeah, just thinking. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in here, you know? Forgot what it felt like.” Julie hands him the aspirin; he tips back the orange juice and swallows the pills. “I miss it.” 

There’s a long silence between them. He swallows the last of his drink. 

“Have you thought about moving in?”

He chokes, covering his face and coughing into his arm. Julie stands up and rubs his back, laughing. He manages a breath, wiping at the corners of his eyes. 

“Have I thought about  _ what _ ?” 

“If I knew you’d almost die, I wouldn’t have asked!” 

She takes a seat back in front of him. “Luke’s parents just have the spare room and they love you so much. If you explain the sit —”

“I don’t want to talk about the situation yet,” he interrupts. His face softens, swallowing the lump in his throat. “They didn’t even kick me out, you know? I don’t know what’s going to happen yet but…”

“Sorry,” she apologies, putting her hand on his knee. “I-I didn’t mean to push, I just thought…”

“No, no,” he says hurriedly. “You weren’t pushing. This is all just new, I haven’t even really processed the last… time isn’t real,” he stresses, squeezing his eyes and scrubbing a hand over his face. “It’s just a lot. I just want to get through this hangover first and then go from there, yeah?” 

“Of course.” 

After what seemed like far too long of getting Alex to comply, Julie finally is able to drag him out of bed. He forces his limbs to connect to his brain, taking measured steps out into the hallway.

“You gonna survive there, bud?” Luke asks, leaning against his own bedroom door. “I can get you a walker.” Alex raises a middle finger, trailing behind Julie. “Mom and Dad are making breakfast. Everyone’s downstairs, too.” Alex nods and Luke reaches out to grab Julie by the waist, pulling her into him. 

“Luke!” she squeaks. “We should meet your parents.” 

“You’ve already met them.”

She deadpans, twisting her neck to glare up at him. 

“You’re cute when you’re grumpy,” he says, scrunching his nose at her. She mimics the action and gives him a quick kiss. 

“You guys are ungodly levels of cute.”

When they finally make it downstairs, Alex stops at the last step, looking at Reggie from across the room. He meets his eyes and Reggie gives an awkward half-wave. 

“Dude, go,” Luke nudges him off the last step. Alex fumbles, catching himself and glaring back at Luke. 

“There he is!” Flynn exclaims from the table. Alex groans, his head pounding. Carrie elbows her in the side. “Carrie,” she huffs. 

“Don’t be  _ rude _ .” 

“It’s fine,” Alex laughs, scratching the back of his neck, “I was kind of a mess last night.” He takes a seat beside Reggie and squeezes his shoulder. “You okay?” 

“Yeah,” Reggie smiles. “You?” Alex nods. 

“Great!” Luke shouts and Alex winces, putting his head in his hands. “Let’s eat.” 

Breakfast goes by quicker than expected but it makes Alex forget for a moment about everything going on. He’s able to be there and be present, with his second family, and pretend like everything is normal for a change. 

After they’re done, the guys clean up while Emily and the girls chat animatedly in the living room. Mitch puts his hand on Alex’s shoulder as he and Luke are rinsing out the dishes. 

“Everything okay?” 

Alex is startled by the question but nods, at a loss for words. Mitch gives him a soft smile and exits the kitchen to find his place beside Emily, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Alex tilts his head, watching them fondly. 

“You good?” Luke asks, nudging him. 

“I’d be better if everyone stopped asking.” Luke nods in understanding, turning back to the sink and finishing the last of the dishes.

Once they’re all done and the leftovers are put away, Luke’s grabbing his backpack with Alex and Reggie following. “Mom. I’m gonna take the guys home and then go out for the day but I’ll see you tonight?” He leans over the couch, watching her carefully as she knits another throw blanket. 

Luke kisses the top of her head and gives her a smile. She tilts her head up at him, smiling and cupping his cheek. Alex takes a deep breath. “Yes, sweetie. Make good choices,” she laughs. 

“Never!” he exclaims, bouncing over to Julie and grabbing her hands, pulling them up around his neck. “I’ll see you later today, yeah?” He smiles, teeth grazing his bottom lip. 

“Don’t do that, I’ll have to admit I  _ like _ you,” she smirks, giving him a quick kiss. 

Flynn and Carrie grab her by the shoulders, tugging on her. “Okay lovebirds, time to go!” Flynn laughs, turning Julie towards them. “We’ll see you guys later!” 

“Love you,” she tells him. 

“For a lifetime.” 

When Alex, Reggie, and Luke leave the house, Alex’s phone starts ringing. 

“Hey, J. What’s up?” Alex answers, holding his phone to his ear as he climbs in the backseat of Luke’s Jeep. 

“Just making sure you’re okay. You didn’t come home last night and a vague ` _ I'm drunk and have fun’ _ text doesn’t really tell me much.” 

“Oh,” Alex chuckles, “Yeah I’m fine. Just got too drunk, threw up everywhere, Luke and Julie had to take care of me. Fantastic Friday night.”

Jamie laughs, “That shouldn’t be funny, but of course  _ you _ embarrassed yourself. How’s your hangover?” he says, raising his voice. Alex groans and holds the phone away from him.

“You’re the worst. Luke is dropping off Reggie first and then I’ll be home...” He takes a breath and puts the phone back to his ear. “Are they still talking about it?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes flicker to Reggie’s, who puts a hand on his knee, giving it a squeeze. Luke turns off the engine of his car. 

“They haven’t talked about it yet, but it’s still early. I…” there’s an uncomfortably long pause, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, Alex.” 

He sighs. “We can talk about this later, okay?”

“Yeah of course.” 

“Love you.” 

“Love you too, Lex.” 

Alex flips his phone between his fingers. He can feel Reggie’s eyes on him from the front seat. “Reg, come on, don’t look at me like that,” he whispers. “Like you pity me, or something.” 

“I-I don’t pity you, Alex. I just...I want to be there for you.” 

Luke and Reggie share a look and then climb into the back seat one at a time. Alex looks between the both of them and bites the inside of his bottom lip. 

“Please don’t do this, guys, I’m  _ fine _ ,” he squeaks. 

“You’re not fine and that’s okay,” Luke tells him. 

Reggie nods, holding Alex’s hand. “We don’t have to be strong all the time.” 

After dropping off Reggie and saying their goodbyes, Luke takes Alex back to his house. He takes note of the way Alex’s leg bounces and his fingers drum against his knee. Luke reaches out next to him, one on the wheel and one hand wrapping around Alex’s trembling fingers. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” Luke looks over at Alex, the sight breaking his heart. Alex wipes away his tears with the back of his hand. “Hey, do you want me to come in with you? I can come in with you.” 

Alex shakes his head. “N-no. I’ll be okay. I don’t even think they’re home.” Luke nods. Alex takes another breath, unwinding his hand from Luke’s and grabbing his bag from the backseat. He feels the ache behind his eyes start to come back and his mouth waters. He tries for another breath. 

“Call me after, okay?” Luke reaches out, gently squeezes his shoulder. Alex nods, throwing a feeble smile his way and gets out of the Jeep. 

When he makes it into the house, making note that his parents are in fact not home, he trudges up the stairs and pushes his bedroom door open. Alex drops his bag by the door, crawls into bed, pulls the blankets over his head. He tries some deep breathing, trying to calm his racing thoughts. 

“Alex?” Jamie knocks on his bedroom door, letting himself in. Alex feels the foot of his bed dip, inwardly groaning and rolling over his shoulder to face the wall. “I know…this isn’t ideal. I… look, I tried everything to get them to reconsider. Alex I wish—” he clears his throat, “I’m so sorry.” 

Alex feels his world shift. His nose burns as he blinks a few times, pulling the blankets tighter around himself, turning into his pillow and screaming. It feels good, cathartic to just scream the past three days into something that won’t fight back. He clenches the pillow, pressing his face harder into the silk. The tears flow soon after the last scream, turning into a broken, wet mess of hysterics. 

He pulls the blankets from over his head and inhales sharply, gasping as he takes in another breath. His chest feels tight and his skin burns everywhere, his stomach still twisted in knots. Alex pulls his knees into his chest, arms wrapped around his abdomen, nails digging into his sides. 

“Lex,” Jamie says, breaking the ringing barrier in Alex’s ears. “Lex, listen to me.” He reaches out for him and pulls his arms away from his body. He’s still crying when Jamie hauls him into a sitting position, cradling his face. “I’m right here, take a deep breath.” Alex shakes his head. “ _ Take a breath _ ,” his tone is firm, forcing Alex to meet his eyes. They take a breath together. 

“They —th —they…”

“Breathe,” Jamie says, stroking his thumb over his cheek. “Breathe.” Alex takes another breath, willing himself to calm down. He twists his fists in the blankets underneath them and forces himself to take another breath. Hurt, anger, disappointment,  _ shame _ , he’s feeling them all at once and it’s too much, he wants to crawl out of his skin. 

Alex inhales deeply, filling his lungs and closing his eyes. He reaches up and pulls Jamie’s hands away from his face, letting out the breath. He looks down at the comforter, picking at a few loose strands. “Can you give me a minute?” 

Jamie nods, squeezing his knees and getting off the bed. “I’ll just be in my room, okay?” 

Alex nods, waiting for him to leave before crawling back under the blankets and tucking them around his body. He fishes his phone from under his pillow, a slight smile at the sight of his lock screen: Julie, Carrie, Flynn, Luke, Reggie and him in the parking lot of The Brew, covered in snow. They were all laughing, Julie and Luke doubled over, Reggie’s head thrown back, Alex leaning on Flynn who had Carrie on her back. If his parents couldn’t love him through this, at least he had people who would. 

He unlocks his phone, re locks it, unlocks it again, tosses it to the side. He huffs, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes and taking another breath.  _ You’re Alex fucking Mercer, that has to count for something _ . He thinks if he tells himself enough, it’ll be true. 

With heavy lids, he forces himself to sit up and throw his legs over the side of his bed, standing up too quickly. His head spins, he feels hot, but gains his balance. He rummages through his closet, and pulls out a pair of sweats and a crop top, rubbing his eyes again before making his way to the bathroom. 

The sight in the mirror disappoints him, his worst fears got the best of him. His eyes hurt, his head is throbbing and his usually well styled blond hair is stuck to his forehead. He gingerly touches his throat and tries to swallow, it feels raw as he moves to the shower and turns the knob. 

His phone starts buzzing on the counter, almost falling off the edge. He sees that it’s Luke, watches the picture of them from eighth grade pop up on the screen: Luke’s birthday, Alex shoved cake in his face and Luke poured chocolate syrup on his head. Emily and Mitch forced them to stay dirty until the party completely died down. It wasn’t fun being hot and sticky like that, but the moment that was captured was worth while. 

Alex peels off his clothes, silencing the call, climbing into the shower, letting the scolding water run down his back. He takes a deep breath and reaches for his body wash, popping the cap. It smells like wintergreen. 

_ They’re laying in the grass, the upper half of Willie’s body on top of Alex. He played with the gold chain around his neck, using the other hand to run his fingers through the blond mess.  _

_ “You smell like gum.”  _

_ Alex laughed from his belly, blushing. “What does that mean?”  _

_ “Like gum!” Willie laughed. “Wintergreen gum, you know?”  _

_ Alex shakes his head, scrunching his nose at Willie.  _

_ “What if someone sees us?” Willie asked, now crossing his arms over Alex’s chest and tilting his head to look at him. Alex opened one eye and smirked.  _

_ “Don’t worry about it, puka shell.”  _

_ “That’s such a dumb nickname.” _

_ “You’re a dumb nickname,” Alex laughed, sitting up, knocking Willie off his chest. Willie gained enough balance to sit upright, Alex squeezing his shoulder. “It’s getting late, isn’t it?” Willie agreed, getting to his feet and holding out his hand for Alex. Alex grabbed it, pulling him back down. “Five more minutes.”  _

_ “You’re so dumb!” Willie laughed into his neck.  _

_ “Yeah, yeah.”  _

When his fingers look like prunes, his skin deep red, he turns off the shower. “Shit,” he curses, realizing his distraction. He shakes his hair and steps out, grabbing the towel from the rack and wrapping it around his waist. He stares in the mirror, taking note of his less red eyes, but beet red skin. He sighs. 

He glances down at his phone and picks it up, flipping it over a few times in his hands before unlocking it. He scrolls through his contacts, finds  **Puka Shell** still in his phone, and composes a new message. 

**So last night was weird am I right?** 😜 He deletes that, mentally cursing at himself.  **So… you were super nice last night and I didn’t know how to react and you struck a chord and...and—** he deletes that too. 

**I thought it would be easier to push you away than admit how I felt about you.**

He blows out, deleting that message and the thread, locking his phone again. “Well that didn’t help. You have more important things to worry about than your mixed emotions about your ex whatever he wasn’t,” he tells himself. 

Alex manages to get himself dressed, trying to shove down the emotions of the day and just figure out what the hell he has to do next.  _ Obviously there’s Luke _ , he thinks.  _ And Shiloh did always say there was a place for you at his place.  _ “Nope, no, not that,” he chastises himself. 

Then he thinks of the one person he wants to see right now, someone who can put his mind at ease and a smile on his face. 

“Hey,” he says, pulling on his hoodie while in Jamie’s doorway. “When do they want me out?” 

“They said tomorrow afternoon,” Jamie responds. Alex nods thoughtfully, slipping his phone into his pocket and zipping the hoodie. He chews on his bottom lip. “They left for the night, Lex.” Alex nods again. 

“Cool, cool, cool.” He clears his throat. “I’m going out for a bit… have to uh, clear my head. But I’ll be back later tonight, probably. Whatever the case, I’ll be out before they get back tomorrow.” 

“Don’t you think you should give yourself a little time to… process this? You’re really good at pushing your feelings aside.” 

“I don’t really have time to process considering my own parents want me out of the house within less than twenty four hours, I have to do something about it.” He pushes his tongue against the back of his teeth, bites his tongue. “Look, I’m sorry.” 

“No, no need to be sorry.” Jamie turns a few times in his desk chair. “What are you going to do?” 

“That’s what I’m going to figure out,” he tells him, pulling his hoodie up and turning over his shoulder. “Love you.” 

“I love you too, Alex.” 

Alex pulls his headphones from one pocket and puts them in, jogging down the stairs and pulling open the front door. The sun is warm on his skin, blinding. He inhales the smell of freshly cut grass, scrolling on his phone as he closes the door behind him. 

He presses play,  _ Let You Down  _ by NF sounding through his headphones. He takes another breath before he takes off running. 

“Alex?” Reggie asks when he answers the door. Alex holds up one finger, doubling over with his hands on his knees, inhaling sharply. “You don’t  _ run _ ,” he laughs, crossing his arms over his chest. Alex heaves another breath. 

“I know that,  _ asshole _ … but I dance… thought… this would be fine.” 

Reggie opens the front door wider, grabbing him by the elbow and dragging him in. “My parents are gone for the day, so they won’t bother us or anything,” he says softly. Alex sucks on his teeth before nodding, breathless. He draws a short breath, following Reggie inside. 

Alex sits on a bar stool in the kitchen, putting his headphones away, pulling out his phone. Reggie offers him a glass of water; he happily accepts, downing it so quickly he almost chokes. Reggie laughs, pouring him another glass. 

“What’s up?” he asks after Alex finishes another glass. “You might explode.” Alex waves him off. 

“My parents,” he swallows, “my parents are kicking me out.” 

“Alex!” Reggie exclaims. Alex raises an eyebrow. “What the hell? You said that so casually…” 

“How else am I supposed to say it, Reg? You should have seen me an hour ago,” he laughs. Reggie stays quiet, Alex seeing him biting into his bottom lip, concentrating. “I-I mean.. I have somewhere to go. I… Luke’s parents still have that extra room.” 

“Well have you talked to him?” Alex shakes his head. “You think that’s going to get you very far in your plan?” Reggie folds his arms over his chest. Alex rolls his eyes, hopping off the stool and going to the fridge. He pops open the door, searching for anything that won’t make him throw up. Reggie walks over and shuts the door, gesturing beside them. “Eat a granola bar.” 

“You’re no fun,” Alex pouts, grabbing one regardless and taking a seat back on the stool. “He called me before I took a shower, but I wasn’t really in the mood to talk so I ignored it.” 

“Well are you going to call him back?” 

_ “Please Willie, call me back. We should talk.”  _

“That’s why I ran here.” 

“Four miles.” 

“Could be worse. I only threw up once on the way here,” he says proudly. Reggie tilts his head, narrowing his eyes at him. “I wanted to be with you both before I asked him, okay? It’s kind of a big thing and… After last night.” 

“Don’t worry about last night,” Reggie says, reaching out for his hand. “You were drunk a-and mad. I get it.” He puts his hand on top of Alex’s, but Alex maneuvers so his hand is now on top of Reggie’s. He shakes his head. 

  
“It still wasn’t cool, and I’m sorry.” Reggie nods. “How are things here?” He asks, letting go and unlocking his phone, tapping against the screen for a moment before directing his attention back to Reggie. 

He shrugs. “Fine. They haven’t had a  _ huge _ fight in about a month so I call that progress.” Alex drums his fingers against the marble countertop, unsure of what to say. “But they’re away on like a couple therapy thing or something that their therapist recommended so maybe it’ll help.” 

“That’s always a good thing.” Alex chews on the corner of his mouth. “I hope it works out.” 

“Me too.” 

Alex’s phone starts buzzing on the counter and he taps the screen, putting it on speaker. His heart is racing, he knows how Luke will react. 

“Hey, I’m with Jules. Everything okay? How did it go?” 

“Is there any way you can come to Reggie’s right now?”

There’s no hesitation. “On our way.” 

Alex ends the call and looks back up at Reggie, who nods. “Crazy how we ended up here, you know?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I guess,” Alex scratches the back of his neck, “like we all think our parents will love us unconditionally yeah? But then something as small as my  _ preference _ in who I choose to love basically tears apart my family. Obviously I can’t ask Jamie to up and leave or anything because that’s stupid, he has another six months before he’s off to Berkeley and he’s barely there anyway, he’s always at Hailey’s place, but…” 

“My parents can’t decide if they love each other or hate each other on a daily basis,” Reggie chuckles, Alex frowns. “Guess it’s all kind of fucked up in it’s own way, huh?” 

“Yeah.” 

Alex finishes up his granola bar, discarding the wrapper in the trash and pulling Reggie over to the couch. They sit on opposite ends, Alex crossing his legs under one another. “How’s everything going with your music theory class?” 

“Really good!” Reggie’s eyes light up. “It’s one of my favorites this semester, I’m really excited to see where it goes. I have to take a stupid PE class and thank God Flynn and Nick will be there, otherwise I might lose my mind.” Alex chuckles. “My classes are pretty easy this semester, but it sucks that I don’t have anything to occupy my time after school anymore. I thought about joining a club but..” he looks at his hand, “I don’t know, after their last blow up at each other I just don’t know if I’m in the right headspace to put my energy into something else.” 

“I get it. It’s hard keeping up with appearances and everything.” 

Reggie scoffs at this, pulling Alex out of his thoughts. “Says you.” He waves his hand over Alex’s body. “You’re like superman or something. Captain of your dance team, taking a full course load, having a b — Um.” 

“It’s okay, Reg,” Alex laughs. Reggie blushes. “But yeah. I just like keeping myself occupied.” 

“You don’t have to keep up appearances so much, Lex.” 

_ “You just want to keep up this appearance, huh? Even if that means hurting someone who really cares about you?”  _

_ “Willie, that’s… that’s never how it was.”  _

_ “Then what was it like, Alex?! Because from where I’m standing, you chose Shiloh over me. Was I just a joke to you? What, did you think I was going to hurt your reputation? The poor gay kid from the other side of the tracks —”  _

_ “No! Shiloh just… He —he —” _

_ “He’s the prince of the social hierarchy and you can be his princess, just say it, Alex. I can’t believe you’re so self absorbed and obsessed with people liking you…” he shook his head.  _

_ “Hey, I’m none of those things Willie, I just…”  _

_ “Just stop lying to yourself, Alex. And stop lying to me.” Willie rolled his eyes, turned over his shoulder and started walking out from under the bleachers. Alex reached out, pulled Willie back into him, crushed his lips against his. Willie pushed him away.  _

_ “Willie, I’m so sorry, please! I didn’t mean —”  _

_ “I don’t really feel like listening to your excuses, Alex.”  _

_ “If you would just let me explain....” he reached out for his hand and Willie recoiled, narrowing his eyes at him. “Please.” _

_ “There’s nothing to explain! You’re with Shiloh now, he’s your boyfriend. Just leave me alone.”  _

He nods, like he’s considering dropping it all, but decides against it. “S’just easier for people to think I have it together. God,” he groans, memories flooding back, “I can’t even imagine how embarrassing it’s going to be at school on Monday. I got sick in front of everyone and my breakup was made very public.” 

“I’m sure people will gloss over it come Monday morning.” 

There’s a  _ ping _ that comes from Alex’s phone just as Julie and Luke walk through the door. Alex looks at his phone and sighs. 

**Hey, you okay after last night? I just wanted to check in… xx.**

“Who’s that?” Julie asks, taking a seat beside Alex, leaning into his side. He shakes his head and hands her his phone. “Oh, Shiloh,  _ ew _ ,” she grimaces and Alex laughs, loudly. She points in his direction. “There’s that smile.” 

“Thanks, Jules.” 

“Are you going to respond?” 

“Nah, I have other things to focus on,” he tells her, tossing his phone on the side table. “Luke, would your parents still be up for letting me move in?” Julie and Luke’s eyes go wide. “Don’t really need  _ that _ reaction, or I’ll start crying again, I just need a yes or no.” 

“Of course, man. I’ll have to run it by them tonight, but I-I’m sure it’s fine.” 

“Cool.” 

The silence between them all lingers. Alex starts to pull at the skin around his nails and Julie grabs his hand, stopping him in his tracks. He stares at their hands, afraid to look up in fear he might break down again.

“Holy  _ fuck _ , Alex,” Luke breaks the silence. They all look at him. “They’re really kicking you out? You don’t even get to —”

“No.” Alex sighs. “No, I don’t. They want me out by tomorrow afternoon and uh…” He closes his eyes, forces himself not to cry, clenches his fists. “They left for the night. So I don’t even get to talk to them or anything…” 

Luke reaches out and grabs Alex’s hand. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Me too.” 

The drive back to Alex’s house is quiet, Julie tucked into his side in the backseat. His eyes are closed and he tries to think of something,  _ anything _ , other than the fact that he’s about to pack up his entire life at seventeen without so much as a goodbye. 

“Everything’s going to be okay, right Jules?” he asks, eyes still shut. She smells like the ocean. It reminds him of the summers they spent at their beach house. Time’s were much more simple. Willie tagged along once or twice.  _ Okay, you’ve got to stop thinking about Willie. You had a moment. Then you didn’t, move on. _ Then Shiloh replaced the puka shell shaped hole in his heart. He remembers how his parents never thought they were up to anything suspicious, just two best friends. Alex secretly loved the thrill of sneaking around.

He misses his family sitting around the bonfire and telling stupid stories about their days. Alex’s dance competitions that were coming right around the corner or Hailey and Jamie being on the same hockey team together. How they would all watch the clouds roll by during the day or count the stars at night. Mom and Dad at every competition, awards ceremony, being his biggest cheerleaders. He’d have to find some way to fill the void, if that was even possible. 

“Alex?” Julie rubs his shoulder. He looks down at her. “I just said that I think so. Maybe not right now, but over time, you know?” He half smiles, hugging her just as Luke pulls into his driveway. She squeezes his hand. “I hope you don’t mind, I called them.” 

He furrows his brows at her, looking out his window, tears prickling the corners of his eyes. Carrie and Flynn are sitting on his porch. He shakes his head, dropping his chin to his chest, inhaling through his nose. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. She tilts his chin, giving him a smile and reaching across his lap to open the door. They both climb out and Julie grabs Luke’s hand, Reggie and Alex following close behind him. Reggie squeezes Alex’s shoulder, smiling. “You guys didn’t have to come.” 

“You’re our family, Alex. Family shows up,” Flynn tells him. 

Surprisingly enough, time flies when you’re having fun. Alex almost forgets  _ why _ he’s packing. They’re all sprawled out in different corners of his room, boxes being half packed and each one of them wearing a different ratty t-shirt from Alex’s childhood. They’re rummaging through smaller organized boxes trying to find things to keep vs donate. He really should just donate his life. 

“Keep,” he exclaims when Carrie holds up his Whitney Houston  _ So Emotional _ shirt. He swallows hard. “My dad got it for me after I played her album for the twentieth time on the way upstate. He bought me a vinyl that same year.” She nods, tossing it into a box marked “shirts”. She’s cradled between Flynn’s legs, taking it into her own hands to toss shirts and pants between one box and another. 

“Do you remember this?” Julie gasps, pulling a rainbow flag from the back of his closet. “We went to San Francisco PRIDE last year. You lied to your parents and told them you were going on a mountain retreat,” she laughs, “or something ridiculous.” 

“I still can’t believe they bought that,” Luke says. 

“It was so much fun,” she smiles, holding the flag to her chest. Alex’s smile falters. 

“Can you put it in the donation pile?” 

“But Alex--” Reggie starts. 

“Please?” He begs Julie. “I don’t want to look at it, okay?” 

“Yeah, of course,” she says, chewing on her bottom lip. She neatly folds it, stuffing it into one of the donation boxes and goes back through his closet, pulling out old photo albums and yearbooks. “Baby Alex!” 

“We don’t need to see those,” he laughs, stretching his legs out on his bed. Julie shakes her head and throws a few down in front of Luke and Reggie. “Oh and we’re looking anyway, got it.” Julie just smirks at him, flipping one open. He watches her smile and giggle at various pictures, wondering what she’s stumbling upon but too lazy to crawl to the edge of the bed. 

His muscles relax as he watches his best friends. They’re all so engrossed in each other, in the memories they all share. The six of them have been a unit for so long it almost feels impossible to be without one or the other, and he likes that. Their close proximity makes him feel at ease, knowing somewhere in the back of his mind everything would be okay. 

They laugh and throw random trinkets at each other, playing with feather boas from Alex’s tap dancing days. Carrie pulls out her phone and plays  _ I’ll Be There for You  _ by The Rembrandts as loud as it can go. 

“You are not playing this song right now,” Alex groans, blushing and covering his face. 

“Oh I am, Alex,” she laughs, pulling on his arm. He shrugs away from her as they all get up, clapping in his face. He shakes his head. “You know you want to.” 

He lowers his hands and laughs, climbing off the bed and pulling Carrie into a feeble attempt at swing dancing. “ _ I’ll be there for you _ !” he sings, drawing out the vowel. He grabs Julie and Fynn, swaying with them as well and jumping around his room. He allows himself to  _ feel _ happy, even if he knows the moment is fleeting. He holds on to it for as long as he can. 

Or at least until the song is done and they’re piled on Alex’s bed, in a fit of laughter. 

“I love you guys.” 

They continue packing up his childhood bedroom, folding box tops and loading them into the back of Luke’s Jeep, then more boxes into Carrie’s car. Luke assuring him as far as furniture and sleeping arrangements went, that was all taken care of. He takes a deep breath, huddled with them all, knowing Jamie is watching from the porch. 

“Give me a minute?” he asks, after they all disperse from the embrace. They nod, going to their respective cars and letting Alex have a moment to say goodbye. He turns over his shoulder and stares, maybe too long, at Jamie. 

“You gonna give me a hug or just stand there like a moron?” 

Alex hangs his head, laughter falling from his lips. He makes his way back up the porch, slipping his arms around Jamie’s shoulders. When Jamie returns the embrace, secure and warm, Alex cries against his shoulder. It’s a soft whimper against his shirt in comparison to his tears, earlier. 

Jamie pulls back and puts his hands on either side of Alex’s face. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more.” 

Alex shakes his head, licking his bottom lip. “You did everything you could. And it’s not like I can’t see you right? We just won’t… yeah, you know,” he says, gently removing Jamie’s hands. “Thank you, J. For fighting so hard for me.” 

Jamie nods, fishing something from his pocket and holding it up. Alex gently pushes his hand down, looking over his shoulder to see if anyone saw, Jamie just chuckles. 

“Where did you find that? It’s not mine, I swear.” 

“You hid it behind the painting in the den. I know you and I know who it belongs to. Who else wears puka shells, Lex?” 

“I just.. I-- Look, I’m not even supposed to have it I...” 

“You don’t have to explain. Just keep it, okay? You’ll be sorry if you don’t and then I’ll lose it and you’ll find someone to blame me and wah wah wah,” he makes a noise with his mouth that mimics the adult’s voices on Charlie Brown. 

“He doesn’t even talk to me anymore, not like that at least.” 

Jamie shrugs. “Maybe he will someday.” 

Alex takes the necklace, zipping it away in the pocket of his backpack, shrugging it higher onto his shoulder. He hugs Jamie one last time. “Love you.” 

“I love you too, Lex,” he says, brushing away his tears. “Call if you need anything okay? And whatever you do, don’t be a pussy and look back.” 

“ _ Okay _ ,” he groans. “Leave it to you to be a dick.” 

“Hey now! I’m just helping  _ you _ out. I can’t imagine what this is like, and I know you like to pretend that if you ignore your feelings they’ll just go away on their own but Lex… It’s okay to be sad about this and it’s okay to feel grief and loss.” 

“Not the pep talk I was looking for…” 

“I’m just trying to be honest.” 

He nods. “I know. I’ll call if I need anything, I promise.” Alex says. “We really should get going, it’s getting late.” 

“Of course.” 

Alex turns away, trotting down the steps of the porch and refusing to look back. He wipes a few more falling tears with the back of his sleeve and takes a breath. 

He doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, but he knows who he has in his corner, and that calms him. He thinks about the necklace tucked away in his bag and although he and Willie are nowhere  _ near _ being anything even close to friends again, it gives him hope for his future. 

Maybe things weren’t quite right currently, but they would be, and that gave him enough to look forward to. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my tumblr [here 😊 ](http://laracovinskys.tumblr.com/)


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